Daffyd Thomas

  A Guide to the Britons... 

Anne is a strange case. She is a mental of some sorts when it suits her and her communication skills are very changeable to say the least. Just don’t let her into your house. See her journal.

Dennis Waterman is a very small man who has become slightly unhinged ever since starring in Minder, that popular light-hearted cockney show of the 80s. He insists on writing and singing the theme tune of everything he stars in and therefore is permanently out of work. See his feem toons page.

Marjorie Dawes is not a thin woman but is strangely her target weight. Everyone likes a bit of cake and she is no exception but she runs a Fatfighters group with a fascistic manner. Makes the Atkins Diet looks sensible though. Try Marjorie's diet tips.

Kenny Craig is a popular stage hypnotist who some might say abuses his special gifts for his own needs. But his powers seem to only work for a limited time. And that beard is just plain wrong.

Daffyd Thomas is the only gay man in his village, fulfilling the quota nicely. He aims to keep it this way at all costs and anyone who disagrees is obviously blatantly homophobic! Strangely, his local pubs seem to be named after bad 80s TV shows. Try his quiz!

Edward Grant and Samantha are a product of the English school system, proving that you should never marry your teacher unless you want an overhead projector in your bedroom and oral tests once a week.

Emily Howard is a lady. She is also a man called Eddie and as convincing a lady as Victoria Beckham is a singer. Her petticoats and ladies’ handkerchiefs fool no one, poor thing. She is officially a rubbish transvestite. In series 2, we meet her new friend Florence.

Peter Andre is not a bad 90s greased-up pop star but a shamed ex-royal correspondent. His obsessive love for Princess Anne and his lack of trousers proved to be his downfall.

Dame Sally Markham has an interesting technique for writing her endless output of romantic novels. Her poor assistant Miss Grace types while Dame Sally invents new tales to excite the elderly and insane.

Vicky Pollard is a real person; I have seen her hanging around my local shopping centre shoplifting, fighting, swearing and smoking fags. She also wees in swimming pools. She represents the future of this great country and we are all going to the dogs. Yeah but no but shut up! Read more here.

Jason has a thing for older women and his friend Gary’s Nan is a lucky lady. The smell of Murray Mints does strange things to young Jason, and even stranger things are done to poor old Nan.

The Prime Minister of Britain is a lovely man. He would be even lovelier in a nice pair of shorts. His aide Sebastian certainly thinks so anyway and they have the perfect working relationship. Except that Sebastian is ever so slightly in love with him in a really scary obsessive way.

Matthew Waterhouse is a very creative man but his ideas never get taken seriously which is puzzling. His board games ideas were turned down and the cereals were laughed at. What’s wrong with a box of miniature sweetened gays called ' Sugar Poofs'? Makes sense to me.

Harvey gets hungry at inconvenient times but luckily mummy is there for him with some bitty! It's a shame that he is a grown man but no one in the family seems to find this a problem.

Judy and Maggie attend fetes and church events. They probably read the Daily Mail or other such open-minded newspapers and certainly don't need any more lesbian jam! 

Bubbles DeVere lives on a health farm which she hasn't paid for... leading to lots of hilarious fat suit running around and gross-out moments.

Doug is the bestest drug counsellor ever ever as he really understands what it's like to be on drugs and can relate to people in need extremely well.

Mr. Mann is always very precise about what he requires yet can never quite be satisfied with what he receives. Fussy bugger!

Lou does everything for Andy (who loves his monster trucks), and I mean everything! But does he really need to bother?

Viv certainly knows what she likes and it is usually men who are gawwwgeous!

Liz was Mollies Sugden's bridesmaid but she doesn't like to go on about it.

For Carol, unfortunately the computer always says no.

Rachael and Nicola certainly know what they are looking for in a man.

Mr. Mann

Sebastian and Prime Minister

Rachael and Nicola

Dame Sally Markham

Judy & Maggie

Doug